When exam stress follows your child home
By Dr Siphiwo Mthethwa
The school day may be over, but for many children, exam pressure comes home with them.
A child can put down a schoolbag and still be carrying the weight of exams. The worry may be about remembering everything, finishing revision, letting a parent down, or not knowing what will happen if the results disappoint. Sometimes children can explain those worries. Often, they show them instead — snapping at family, becoming unusually quiet, overreacting to a small setback, complaining of headaches and stomach aches, struggling to sleep, or finding it difficult to start studying.
These signs do not automatically mean something is seriously wrong, and they should not be dismissed as laziness or poor discipline. They may be clues that a child feels overwhelmed and needs help to make pressure manageable.
A learner who keeps opening a textbook but cannot start may not need another reminder to “work harder”. The child may be anxious about how much there is to learn. A parent or caregiver could sit alongside them, ask which subject feels most difficult, and help break the work into small steps: first task, review one section, answer a few questions, then take a short break. Completing that first step can restore a sense of control.
Listen before trying to fix everything
When a child is tense, begin with curiosity rather than criticism. “You seem worried about your exams. What’s on your mind?” gives a child room to talk. Then listen without immediately correcting, comparing or telling them not to worry.
A child might say, “I am going to fail maths.” Instead of replying, “Don’t be silly”, a parent could say, “It sounds as though maths is really worrying you. Which part feels hardest?” That response acknowledges the feeling without confirming the feared outcome. It also opens the way to practical support — revisiting a topic and practising a few problems together.
Children need reassurance that their value does not depend on a mark. Comparisons with siblings, friends or classmates can intensify pressure, even when intended as motivation. A steadier message is: “I care about you, not just your results. Let’s work out what would help you prepare.”
Make revision realistic
A clear routine can reduce the feeling that exams are an enormous, unmanageable task. Help your child list what needs attention, choose priorities and divide revision into shorter periods. Build in breaks and make room for meals, movement, family time and sleep. A timetable should be a guide, not a punishment; if it is too ambitious, adjust it together.
For instance, a child with several subjects to prepare for might choose one topic for the first study period, take a short break, and then move to a different task. At the end, they can tick off what they completed and decide on the next step. The aim is steady preparation, not studying every available minute.
Adults can also help children use support around them. If a child does not understand a topic, encourage them to ask a teacher, another trusted adult or peers rather than sitting alone with the worry. Where appropriate, parents, caregivers and teachers can share information so that expectations and support are consistent.
Protect the basics
Sleep, food and physical activity are not rewards a child earns after studying. They support concentration, memory and emotional well-being. Late-night cramming may feel productive, but exhaustion can make it harder to think clearly and cope with setbacks. Encourage a regular bedtime and a calming wind-down routine, especially on nights before exams.
Make room for ordinary, enjoyable moments too — a conversation over supper, a brief walk, or a few minutes doing something relaxing. These moments do not take away from preparation. They remind the child that life is bigger than the exam timetable.
Know when extra support may be needed
Some exam worry is common and normal. But if distress persists, becomes more intense, or significantly affects sleep, eating, attendance, relationships or day-to-day functioning, it is worth seeking additional support. Frequent physical complaints, panic, persistent sadness, withdrawal or a substantial change in behaviour deserve attention.
Start by speaking with the child’s school and consider consulting an appropriate health professional — a social worker, psychologist, medical doctor, or your community health clinic. Parents can also consult church elders, pastors or any trusted person in the community who can instil hope in the child. After all, it takes a community to raise a child. Early support can help identify what the child needs and prevent difficulties from becoming worse.
The message at home should be clear: exams matter, but they do not define a child. Children are more likely to face challenges when they feel safe enough to ask for help and know that adults will respond with patience. A calm conversation, a manageable plan and reassurance that love is not tied to results can make home a place to recover — not another place where the pressure follows them.
Written by:
Dr. Siphiwo Mthethwa (PhD)
Educational Psychologist
Phuthaditjhaba
